Jaech: Examining story behind church conflict can lead to resolution

By Rachel Pritchett

BREMERTON — Conflict isn't a failure in a congregation. 

Rather, it's a naturally occurring element that arises out the variety of viewpoints, talents and values that exist among congregation members. Given the tools to work through their conflicts, a congregation will grow and flourish to a new level. 

That comforting news was delivered by longtime conflict-resolution consultant Rick Jaech, pastor at Beautiful Savior Lutheran Church in Vancouver, who conducted the first of three workshops throughout the synod Oct. 6 in Bremerton. 

Jaech's message was meant both for pastors and church leaders entrusted to facilitate parties in a conflict to reach a satisfying outcome. He outlined the steps from his new book, "Transforming Church Conflict: A Guide for Pastors and Leaders."  Rather than let a conflict escalate or drive people apart, a key step is to bring people together to talk to each other with “respectful curiosity” about what has happened. 

 

Using a framework from the book “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson, Pastor Jaech outlined for the group of eight local pastors and leaders the four steps that often lead to misunderstanding and conflict: 1) We see or hear something done or said to us by another person; 2) We tell ourselves a story that interprets what we just witnessed; 3) We feel an emotion based on that story; and 4) We act on those feelings, often by withdrawing or attacking. 

He gave an example: Ron and Megan share a church classroom, she during the week for an art class, and he for Sunday school. One Sunday, he finds the room cluttered with drying paintings and art tools scattered across the tables. His class is 10 minutes late as he cleans up.  

Ron creates a story in his head: Megan is rude, self-centered and places her work above his. He feels frustration, anger and exasperation. He avoids her at coffee hour, with nothing more than a dismissive greeting. 

A successful resolution to a conflict usually means going back and examining the story Ron put in his mind and inviting respectful dialog.  "A lot of the time, we're telling the wrong story; it's not their true story," Jaech said. Megan may not have understood the demands on the room. She may have had to rush off for a family concern. 

This is where dialogue with “respectful curiosity” becomes crucial. Ron can say to Megan, "I'm curious about what happened. I'd really like to talk about it and hear your side of the story."  

Facilitators often will have to slow down the conversation, to help all sides go back and unfold the real story. Discovery on both sides takes place, unity is found and a bigger solution than either Ron or Megan thought of is arrived at. 

Jaech's book costs $15, and is available by contacting him at rick@rickjaech.com.  He also offers a blog site at transformingchurchconflict.com .

Jaech has two more workshops in the series. The next one is Oct. 13 at Lutheran Church of Christ the King of Tacoma, at 1710 85th St. E. The final workshop is Nov. 10 at Lutheran Church of the Good Shepherd of Olympia, 1601 North St. SE.